Let It Go?

Let it go, they say

Learn to let live, learn to let go.

Wise words:

To an extent.

 

You can let go of some things.

The things we spend time worrying about.

(Especially the things we cannot control).

Imagining those worries as a balloon

And letting go of it

Watching it fly higher and higher

In to the sky

Your worries flying away

In to oblivion.

Never to be seen again.

Oh, the liberation.

 

But what about the worries you cannot let go?

The ones you would love to let go, but they stick to you,

Stubbornly.

Like a limpet.

It is a weight you have to carry around.

All the time.

You make adjustments to better carry that weight.

But you can never let it go.

Not completely.

 

Let it go, they say

But how can you when the most precious thing in the world has gone?

When you have had to let them go?

What do you do then?

Your hopes, your dreams, have gone up

Up, up and away

In to oblivion

Just like that balloon

But instead of your worries flying away

But instead of a feeling of liberation

The worries sweep down towards you

They swoop

They peck

They attack

Like birds of prey

With huge wingspans

Open wide

As they swoop

Their wings – black as night –

They block out the sun

They squawk

It is deafening

You think you must be going mad

You wave your arms

Trying to get those birds to fly away

To leave you alone

But they just get angrier

You just get more and more tired

So you have to let them be.

 

Set up a scarecrow instead.

The birds don’t go away,

But they are managed.

 

Let it go, they say.

There is no such word as ‘can’t’

Except there is

I know there is

Because I’ve just typed it.

 

But sometimes not letting go is about more than can’t.

It is won’t.

Don’t want to.

I never want to let go of those memories.

The love

The joy

The rush of love for my little boy.

 

Let it go.

In order to visit those happy memories

I need to open the cupboard and visit the bad.

They are intertwined.

Two halves of the same whole.

Light and dark.

Good and bad.

Ying and yang.

 

Let it go.

Stay, please stay.

Hugo.

Oh, the irony of the second syllable of my precious boy’s name.

Don’t go.

 

Hugo.

Gone from my arms.

Always in my heart.

 

The tears roll down my cheeks.

Don’t keep it in.

Let those barriers go.

Let it go.

Let it out.

 

But not the love.

The love remains.

For you, my Hugo.

Always.

givingback2

 

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mumturnedmom
Prose for Thought

21 Comments on Let It Go?

  1. Emma Day
    January 23, 2016 at 9:27 am (4 years ago)

    Such a beautiful post. I can’t begin to imagine how you must feel, but my heart goes out to you. I think of you every time I think about HELLP Syndrome. Every time it comes up at the doctors, or in conversation or when I write about it. I don’t read your blog as often as I should, because I often feel guilty that both my twins survived HELLP when your poor Hugo did not. Of course I know how incredibly lucky I am and that we ourselves are both lucky to have survived. But that does not distract from your pain and loss. Your love for Hugo will live forever, you never need to let go of that.

    I hope this comment comes across in the heartfelt way that I intend it to.

    I wish there was more we could do to raise awareness of HELLP Syndrome on a bigger scale and get people earlier diagnosis’s. Xxx
    Emma Day recently posted…A letter to my unborn sonMy Profile

    Reply
  2. kathy
    January 20, 2016 at 10:26 pm (4 years ago)

    Beautiful words, and have moved me to tears reading them. I am so sorry, and these words very poignant, and heart rendering about a love so strong and powerful.

    Reply
  3. Becky Cowley
    January 18, 2016 at 7:53 am (4 years ago)

    Beautiful x
    Becky Cowley recently posted…GoMy Profile

    Reply
  4. VaiChin @RamblingThroughParenthood
    January 17, 2016 at 6:37 pm (4 years ago)

    Your words brought me to tears. It’s not a pain any parent should ever have to suffer. Hugs xxxx #theprompt
    VaiChin @RamblingThroughParenthood recently posted…The AbyssMy Profile

    Reply
  5. Nicole (The Brightness Of These Days)
    January 16, 2016 at 9:49 pm (4 years ago)

    I can’t even begin to understand your pain but found this such a powerful post. A sense of isolation struck me, with the repetition of “they say” but it became wrapped up in a sense of comfort from your memories. I wouldn’t want to let go either. Thank you for sharing.

    Reply
    • Leigh
      January 17, 2016 at 4:28 pm (4 years ago)

      Thank you for reading xx

      Reply
  6. Michelle Reeves (The Joy Chaser)
    January 16, 2016 at 4:14 pm (4 years ago)

    Oh my darling this is such a heartfelt, gutsy and typically honest post from you, beautifully written and so poignant. Much love xxx
    Michelle Reeves (The Joy Chaser) recently posted…Share the Joy #34My Profile

    Reply
    • Leigh
      January 17, 2016 at 4:28 pm (4 years ago)

      Thank you darling xx

      Reply
  7. Tracey @ mummyshire
    January 16, 2016 at 3:34 pm (4 years ago)

    This is such a strong and emotional poem, it had me in tears. I can’t imagine what that loss must feel like, or how woman let someone so precious go – Not sure you ever can. As you said in your poem, the love remains, this you’ll never let go for Hugo
    My heart goes out to you
    Xx

    Reply
    • Leigh
      January 17, 2016 at 4:28 pm (4 years ago)

      Thanks so much for reading, and for your kind comment xxx

      Reply
  8. Sara | mumturnedmom
    January 16, 2016 at 2:08 pm (4 years ago)

    Oh Leigh, I went through so many emotions with you reading this. Such beautiful, heartbreaking words. The love will always remain. Sending love x Thank you so much for sharing with #ThePrompt x
    Sara | mumturnedmom recently posted…Siblings: January 2016My Profile

    Reply
    • Leigh
      January 17, 2016 at 4:27 pm (4 years ago)

      Thank you Sara xx

      Reply
  9. alice morgan simmonds
    January 16, 2016 at 3:45 am (4 years ago)

    Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece Leigh. Hugo, such a wonderful, original name! I can’t imagine the space left in your arms. Words have no real meaning when applied to our deepest experiences. ‘Letting go’ are 2 words that mean nothing when something like the death of your son happens. Sometimes I think that letting go happens to me, involuntarily, step by step forward into life as it is, day by day. It happens without my effort, like a surprise. I think grief has the upper hand and is working me, not the other way around. May you know peace and love inside the pain. It is all one big messy ball and thank you for sharing you.

    Reply
    • Leigh
      January 16, 2016 at 12:31 pm (4 years ago)

      I think you’re right, grief does have the upper hand. Thank you so much for your kind comment, and words about my Hugo. xxx

      Reply
  10. Mim
    January 15, 2016 at 10:34 pm (4 years ago)

    Oh Leigh, just so so beautiful x x he is with you forever, I know that truly and some days a little more or less that others but always, always there in your heart, mind and thoughts x x x x
    Mim recently posted…Home Office Ideas for my new Workspace!My Profile

    Reply
    • Leigh
      January 16, 2016 at 12:31 pm (4 years ago)

      Bless you Mim thank you xxx

      Reply
  11. Denise Haynes
    January 15, 2016 at 5:39 pm (4 years ago)

    So much pain, happiness, sadness, longing, wishing, loneliness. But mostly love and beautiful memories of our precious ones. Many hugs to you and your aching heart.

    Reply
    • Leigh
      January 16, 2016 at 12:30 pm (4 years ago)

      Thank you Denise xx

      Reply

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