One Boy Will Always Be Missing

The sun may be shining, I may be smiling, but one boy will always be missing.

I may look positive, you might hear me laughing, but one boy will always be missing.

You may see me playing joyfully with little ones, having fun – but one boy will always be missing.

Last week, three mummies met: a mummy with blonde hair, a mummy with red hair, a mummy with brown hair. Two boys met: a boy with blond hair, a boy with red hair. The boy with brown hair was missing.

Hugo will always be missing.

Two little boys, running around. Playing with bubbles. Chasing the ducks. Gabbling away in language that makes perfect sense to them. Marvelling at the world, thinking everyday things most grown-ups take for granted are the most exciting things ever. Rejecting most of the food their mummies had lovingly prepared for them (but devouring instead food from the grown ups’ plates).

Being as good as gold for the mummy who didn’t have her baby with her. That mummy savouring every moment of her time with the two little boys of similar ages to Hugo. Living vicariously as a mummy of a little boy so literally full of life, even for a short time.

Wondering what my little Hugo: the determined, feisty, cheeky little tyke in an incubator weighing no more than a tin of baked beans would be like as a 14 month old.

He would be determined, feisty, cheeky, no doubt. Knowing exactly what he wants, and when. Tantrums when he doesn’t get exactly what he wants. Huge screaming tantrums with kicking, no doubt, making the neighbours wander what on earth I am doing to my son.

But plenty of moments when only comfort from his Mummy will do, only a Mummy’s touch to soothe the scuffed knees and hands, only a Mummy’s cuddle when the world is too much.

The blonde mummy and the red-haired mummy understand the brown haired mummy’s boy is missing. They want Hugo to be there too. Leading the charge. Chief mischief maker.

But Hugo is not.

The little brown-haired boy exists in our hearts and our memories, and in our dreams and imaginations.

I try to enjoy life, have fun, get out there. Make the most of life, do things Hugo will never be able to do. The simple things: sunshine on my skin, a beautiful flower, an ice cream.

But behind that sadness and sorrow will always linger.

Because one boy will always be missing.

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Prose for Thought

26 Comments on One Boy Will Always Be Missing

  1. kerrie
    September 1, 2015 at 12:30 pm (2 years ago)

    A beautiful poem which I totally relate too, my son born sleeping on 10th August 2012 and it stil hurts like yesterday, ne,t week he should of been at school startin nursery running round and bein upto no gd, ur words are so heartfelt and as one mom to another he is always with u, like mine is with me. X,

    Reply
    • Leigh
      September 4, 2015 at 8:20 am (2 years ago)

      I’m so sorry for your loss of your son, Kerrie. Lots of love xxx

      Reply
    • Leigh
      September 4, 2015 at 8:21 am (2 years ago)

      Thank you Vicki xxx

      Reply
  2. Rosie @Eco-Gites of Lenault
    August 30, 2015 at 3:15 pm (2 years ago)

    Powerful writing on a heartbreaking subject. I know I will never meet Hugo but I feel I know him (and you) through this piece of writing and his Legacy will go far. #Prose4T
    Rosie @Eco-Gites of Lenault recently posted…Silent Sunday – August 30th 2015My Profile

    Reply
    • Leigh
      September 4, 2015 at 8:23 am (2 years ago)

      That’s so kind Rosie thank you. Knowing so many people are aware of Hugo is a comfort xxx

      Reply
    • Leigh
      August 30, 2015 at 6:42 am (2 years ago)

      Thank you for your kind comment Lisa xx

      Reply
  3. chris.cox
    August 29, 2015 at 8:11 am (2 years ago)

    Huh again a tear in my eyes. Hugo will always be in your heart and will never be forgotten. Leigh,as always incredibly heartfelt blog you are an inspirational young lady xx

    Reply
    • Leigh
      August 30, 2015 at 6:43 am (2 years ago)

      Thank you so much for your kind comment Chris and for your continuing support of Hugo’s Legacy xx

      Reply
    • Leigh
      August 30, 2015 at 6:43 am (2 years ago)

      That’s such a kind comment Maddy, thank you xx

      Reply
  4. Anna
    August 27, 2015 at 1:27 pm (2 years ago)

    Brought tear to my eye. Wonderfully written! All the best for the future x

    Reply
    • Leigh
      August 27, 2015 at 4:50 pm (2 years ago)

      Thank you, Anna xx

      Reply
  5. Verily Victoria Vocalises
    August 27, 2015 at 8:38 am (2 years ago)

    Oh Leigh, this is so beautifully written. I understand how much you must wonder what Hugo would be like now. I love how you continue to keep his memory alive. Thinking of you. thank you for linking to Prose for Thought x
    Verily Victoria Vocalises recently posted…Prose for Thought. Thursday 27th August 2015My Profile

    Reply
    • Leigh
      August 27, 2015 at 4:51 pm (2 years ago)

      Thank you Vic, that’s such a kind comment xxx

      Reply
  6. Katy
    August 26, 2015 at 8:11 am (2 years ago)

    It is beautiful posts like these that will mean Hugo will never be forgotten by any of us. I saw the photos of your day out and I saw the hole left behind, he will have been there watching I know it. x
    Katy recently posted…Real Mums – Mommy From The ParkMy Profile

    Reply
    • Leigh
      August 27, 2015 at 4:52 pm (2 years ago)

      Thank you Katy xxx

      Reply
  7. Lucy Bishop
    August 25, 2015 at 7:48 pm (2 years ago)

    Sending big cuddles your way. A beautiful post, as always. Wishing things were different for you my darling xxx
    Lucy Bishop recently posted…Bert Turns Two!My Profile

    Reply
    • Leigh
      August 27, 2015 at 5:01 pm (2 years ago)

      Thank you lovely Lucy xxx

      Reply
  8. Hannah Budding Smiles
    August 25, 2015 at 7:18 pm (2 years ago)

    He will always be missing but he will always be loved and cherished, even by those of us who never had the honour of meeting him. There was most definitely a Hugo gap in our lovely day and we would all have been thinking of your beautiful boy, wishing he was there too, wishing things were different. Hugo’s always there in spirit and in the love that mostly you and Martin, but also all of us, have for him xxx
    Hannah Budding Smiles recently posted…Making Education Accessible and Successful with TutorfairMy Profile

    Reply
    • Leigh
      August 27, 2015 at 5:02 pm (2 years ago)

      Bless you Hannah – I adore you and Toby, I know Hugo is always thought of by you too xxxx

      Reply
    • Leigh
      August 27, 2015 at 4:53 pm (2 years ago)

      Thank you xxx

      Reply
    • Leigh
      August 27, 2015 at 4:52 pm (2 years ago)

      Thank you Katie xxx

      Reply

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