I Wish

I wish you were in my tummy for the full 40 weeks.

Or if not, that you could have come home with Daddy and me.

I wish we had thousands of photos of you tracking every day of your life, every milestone, every special moment.

I wish I was able to watch you grow.

I wish we were able to watch that feisty personality grow, develop, form you from baby to little boy.

I wish I were able to sing you to sleep.

I wish I were able to give you a bath, watch you play with your toys and you insist on having a bubble bath punk hairdo.

I wish we were able to have cuddles, so many cuddles, breathing in your smell.

I wish my house was full of your things, clothes, nappies, wipes everywhere. Toys strewn across the house.

I wish I had more than my handbag to think about when I leave the house.

I wish I could see which new food you wanted to try next. Which you spat put.  How much you just chucked on the floor.

I wish I could see how you got on with Fat Cat.

I wish I could take you to the park.

I wish I could read books with you.

I wish I could be running around after you, and celebrate you taking your first steps.

I wish I needed eyes in the back of my head as you took every opportunity to show off your walking.

I wish I could try to have to figure out what your babbling meant, marvelling at you trying to form words.

I wish I could splash in puddles with you.

I wish I could comfort you when you needed that.

I wish I could see the look on your face when you saw something that excited you.

I wish I could see what most interests you.

I wish you, me and Daddy could be a normal family.

I wish I could feel your arms around my neck, your head on my chest.

I wish I could stroke your beautiful dark hair.

I wish we didn’t have to visit you in the cemetery.

I wish I didn’t have to think when buying you a present whether it will withstand the elements outside.

I wish you didn’t have to be born so early.

I wish there had been a magic cure to save you.

I wish I could cuddle and tickle you and hear you giggle.

I wish I could see you and Daddy playing together, forging a special bond.

I wish life was not so unfair.

I wish I did not have to talk about you in the past tense.

I wish I did not have to put up protective barriers around myself, because since you died I have been broken.

I wish I did not have this leaden weight in my chest.

I wish I did not have this darkness in my mind.

I wish I did not have to see symbolic signs of you everywhere, because real, tangible signs exist of your real, living presence.

I wish I did not know such pain, such sorrow, such longing.

I wish I knew such burning love, a Mother’s love that I could express to a child in my arms.

I wish I could cover you in kisses.

I wish I did not have to wonder what you would be like in the future.

I wish I did not have to miss you, Hugo.

I wish.

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18 Comments on I Wish

  1. Joelle
    July 14, 2015 at 12:53 pm (2 years ago)

    I wish that you didn’t have to wish these things.
    I wish that you & no other mother had to suffer such gut wrenchingly awful heartbreak.
    I wish that your difficult days are softened by your warm, loving memories of Hugo and that those same memories light up the gentler days.
    Much love
    Joelle xxx

    Reply
    • Leigh Kendall
      July 14, 2015 at 6:32 pm (2 years ago)

      Thank you, they are beautiful wishes for me and Hugo. Much love to you xxx

      Reply
  2. Tim
    July 13, 2015 at 10:38 pm (2 years ago)

    Oh Leigh. I wish so much for you – all these things and more. 🙁

    Reply
  3. Hannah Budding Smiles
    July 13, 2015 at 6:31 pm (2 years ago)

    Oh darling Leigh I wish all of those things for you too. I also wish for you a bright, happy and wonderful future full of love with Hugo’s presence always there shining down as you go from strength to strength, guiding his amazing Mummy xxx

    Reply
  4. Sally (@Tupperwarepanda)
    July 13, 2015 at 5:36 pm (2 years ago)

    I wish I could take away your pain. I wish I had a magic wand to help all the little babies who come too early or too sick. But most of all I wish for you to begin to heal, to not hurt quite so much.

    But my wishes don’t work, so instead I will send you love x

    Reply
    • Leigh Kendall
      July 14, 2015 at 6:31 pm (2 years ago)

      Thank you, your love is appreciated xxx

      Reply
  5. Amber
    July 13, 2015 at 10:37 am (2 years ago)

    Oh Leigh, I wish so much for all of these things for you and Hugo too. xxx

    Reply
  6. mrshsfavouritethings
    July 12, 2015 at 8:44 pm (2 years ago)

    Oh Leigh, this is heartbreaking and beautiful. I wish you had all this. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

    Reply
  7. tenminutesspare
    July 12, 2015 at 8:41 pm (2 years ago)

    So sorry. So very sad. Realise nothing I can saw will make it any better, but really touched by your beautiful words.

    Reply
  8. Julia @ rainbeaubelle
    July 12, 2015 at 8:30 pm (2 years ago)

    I wish all those things for you and Hugo too, sending lots of love xxxx

    Reply

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