I carry your heart in my heart

Today is a difficult day.

New Year’s Eve, the last day of 2014.

The last day of Hugo’s year.

I know it is silly, time is irrelevant: the fact that a new year will start tomorrow is representative of how our culture measures time.

But it is not silly. It is how I feel. It is ok to feel however I feel, and today I feel sad and apprehensive.

Grief is not rational. I loved deeply, and I shall grieve deeply. I must remember that.

It illustrates my visceral need to be with my precious boy.

2014 is the year that Hugo lived. His dates have ‘2014’ on them.

He was born on February 20, 2014.

He died on March 27, 2014.

Hugo will not in 2015. Not physically.

I have seen parts of this poem before, but today is the first time I read it whole.

The words have deep resonance for me, not just the mention of stars and moons, though of course they hold great symbolic significance for Hugo for me, but it reminds me that Hugo is always with me.

It does not matter what date is displayed on the calendar. Nothing has changed.

Hugo is a part of me. He goes everywhere I go. He inspires what I do.

I carry Hugo’s heart. I carry it in my heart.

I love you, Hugo xxxx



0 comment on I carry your heart in my heart

  1. Ginny Williams
    January 1, 2015 at 11:07 am (6 years ago)

    You have done so much this year, Leigh. So very much, to raise awareness, to change people, to change protocols. I am so proud of you. I started blogging about my son’s stillbirth in 2007 and it was like blogging into a black hole. There was so little out there back then, so few people willing to read my words (other than parents who’d been through it), so few people willing to talk about stillbirth and infant death. (That hasn’t changed as much as I’d like.) You have built an amazing community here, and had an amazing outreach. You have created an amazing legacy for your darling Hugo.

    • Leigh Kendall
      January 1, 2015 at 3:15 pm (6 years ago)

      Thank you Ginny, that’s so kind. I’m sorry you were blogging in to a black hole seven years ago. Things have changed a bit, more people are willing to talk about stillbirth and infant death but you’re right, there is still a taboo around it, and that needs to change. Thank you for your support of Hugo’s legacy. Love and best wishes to you xxx

  2. Hannah Budding Smiles
    December 31, 2014 at 10:14 pm (6 years ago)

    Time must take on a new dimension when you are grieving, because it’s not about waiting for time to pass for things to be ‘better’. Wishing you and Martin a 2015 full of love, I have a candle lit for Hugo tonight xx

    • Leigh Kendall
      January 1, 2015 at 3:13 pm (6 years ago)

      Time really is like that, Hannah, it loses the meaning it had ‘before’. Thank you for your kind words, and for lighting a candle for Hugo – that’s a lovely gesture. Best wishes to you for 2015. xxx

  3. Michaela Cann
    December 31, 2014 at 4:59 pm (6 years ago)

    Both your words and those of the poem are beautifully written Leigh.
    Wishing you & Martin a very peaceful New Year. Shine brightly Hugo x
    M x

    • Leigh Kendall
      January 1, 2015 at 3:10 pm (6 years ago)

      Thank you. Best wishes to you for 2015, Michaela xx


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