…and now we have nothing

Last night on social media I saw a photo of a wall sticker above a cot in a nursery. In beautiful, bold cursive script it read:

At first we had each other

Then we had you

Now we have everything.

For a fleeting moment I felt glad that there are parents who are able to decorate their baby’s nursery with such sentiments (and indeed decorate a nursery at all).

That fleeting moment was, well, fleeting.

It was quickly overtaken by an overwhelming sense of jealousy, resentment, and injustice.

I wanted to be able to decorate Hugo’s nursery. A brightly-coloured jungle theme is what I had planned.

Instead I make sure his grave garden looks beautiful, with bright colour and lots of animals.

I miss Hugo so much.  We wanted him so much. We love him so much.

It is so bloody unfair.

So in my anger I made my own version of that picture. A picture that shows the reality for empty-armed mummies and daddies.

But not just empty-armed parents. I have no doubt that no matter how many other babies you have, that gap will remain.


We will love the babies who live in our hearts rather than in our arms.


4 Comments on …and now we have nothing

  1. lzaouk
    October 19, 2014 at 10:25 am (7 years ago)

    I feel every word and have felt this for 9 long years. My heart was broken in 2. I didn’t know any way it would be fixed. And it’s not. But I am lucky. My life felt done and there was no way back to any kind of contentment. Until I held my second son. Although the rush of sadness and fear swept over me I knew that there was hope for a part of me to be healed. And another piece with my third boy and another with my fourth. Each of my children hold a piece of my heart and while Elijah my first boys part is dark and sad and one of emptiness I am lucky to have these pieces of joy too. Each and every person that is forced so unfairly into such a painful loss will never heal but the one thing I have learned is that after endless days of rain, one day a flower will bloom and a small amount of contentment can be felt. Sometimes in the form of another child or sometimes the person you need to help heal a spot inYour heart may walk into your life when you least expect it. I was one of those grieving mothers that felt anger towards a mum so happily pushing a pram and remember vividly being angry toward a mum to be I had met. It’s not fair I thought until she told me she had lost her daughter 2 years before. I don’t think there is a person who doesn’t have a story and from that day I knew every person to walk this earth will have a mountain to climb and I accept mine. If only my angel Elijah got to climb his. But I guess my job is to climb mine in his honour. To anyone in pain right now for any reason I send you my strength

    • Leigh Kendall
      October 31, 2014 at 3:36 pm (7 years ago)

      Thank you for your lovely and kind comment. Lovely too to hear Elijah has three little brothers. You’re right, everyone has a story to tell. xxx

  2. meghanoc
    October 18, 2014 at 1:50 pm (7 years ago)

    this post totally spoke to me. I can really feel your emotion through it and I connect to it. the anger, the jealousy. I know this is not how we feel every day, they are often just moments- but they are strong, and I’m glad I am not the only one who has moments like these.

    Your graphic speaks very loudly.

    • Leigh Kendall
      October 18, 2014 at 3:24 pm (7 years ago)

      I’m glad I’m not the only one too – thank you xxx


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