Lucky

My son’s premature birth and death earlier this year have brought a myriad of emotions. From elation to heartbreak, hope to despair, joy to anguish, confusion and guilt. I have felt fury at the bad luck that this tragedy happened to me.

I have also felt lucky. I am lucky to be alive, and to have spent any time at all with my son.

The reason my son Hugo was born 16 weeks early was because I had severe preeclampsia and severe HELLP syndrome. These are rare, life-threatening conditions that can occur only in pregnancy. The only cure is to deliver the baby, irrespective of the gestation. Without that, both mother and baby are likely to die.

Me and Hugo

Me and Hugo

I feel lucky that I chose an appointment at my community midwife’s Monday afternoon clinic, rather than the Thursday afternoon clinic that week. I had made the appointment for my routine 24 week check up far enough in advance that I had the choice.

I feel lucky because had I chosen the Thursday afternoon appointment, it is likely I would be dead.

The short story is: at that Monday afternoon appointment my midwife recognised my symptoms, along with my very high blood pressure and three pluses of protein in my urine and sent me straight to my district general hospital where I was told I was so sick I would have to deliver my baby that night. Fortunately, that did not happen. On the Wednesday, I was transferred to a specialist hospital. By the Thursday morning, my condition had deteriorated: the only way to prevent my body going into multiple organ failure and to give my son a hope of being born alive was to deliver him straight away. I had a Caesarean section under general anaesthetic and woke up in intensive care.

I feel lucky because what would have happened if I had seen my midwife that Thursday afternoon does not bear thinking about.

I feel lucky because I had no idea I was so ill. I woke up that Thursday morning feeling bored after being on complete bed rest for a couple of days, and hungry – I wanted my breakfast.

Hugo

Hugo

I feel lucky that I did not have to deliver my baby that Monday night. He was so premature and the district general hospital was not set up to deal with babies who are so small, his chances would have been very slim. I feel lucky that he was given those extra couple of days in my womb to grow a little bit more.

I feel lucky that within a very short time of being admitted to hospital, a central line had been inserted through which I was given magnesium sulphate to protect my brain and my unborn baby’s brain from seizure. I feel lucky that I was able to have the two doses of steroids to help my unborn baby’s lungs develop. I feel lucky I was given drugs to help control my blood pressure, and help avoid a stroke.

The three of us.

The three of us.

I feel lucky that I was transferred to a specialist hospital who gave us both the best-possible chance.

I feel lucky because other women who have preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome are not so lucky. Some mothers die from the condition because staff do not recognise it and therefore fail to give them the appropriate treatment, as happened to a mother in an Essex hospital in 2011. Other mothers die because the illness progresses so quickly and so aggressively that even the most valiant medical efforts are in vain, as happened to a woman in the US in 2013 who died of brain damage.

I feel lucky that I was caught in time and my brain did not have a bleed, my liver did not rupture, and my kidneys did not fail. I feel lucky that as a result, I am now physically at least, mostly in good health.

I feel lucky because these conditions can be silent. The conditions can disrupt blood flow from the placenta, causing the baby to be growth restricted. Hugo was so small, if my condition had worsened any further, he would likely to have died inside of me.

I feel lucky that Hugo was born alive. I feel lucky that I was able to spend 35 precious days with him. I feel lucky that during those 35 days I was able to be his mummy, sing to him, read to him, do his cares, give him cuddles, show him how much I love him. I feel lucky that I got to know what an incredible, spirited, determined boy he is, and have so many stories to tell. I feel lucky that I have so many photos and videos of him to treasure.

I feel lucky that Hugo was in one of the country’s best neonatal units, where he had the best chance to fight for his life.

I feel lucky that I am not in a country in the developing world, where I most likely would have died.

I feel lucky that this did not happen in this country even 30 years ago, when I would most likely have died.

Hugo cuddling Mummy

Hugo cuddling Mummy

One of my symptoms – extreme breathlessness – concerned me sufficiently to Google it: a possibility was pre-eclampsia. I am probably the only person in the world ever to have dismissed a Google diagnosis. I dismissed it because I didn’t have a headache or flashing lights (I never actually developed those symptoms); my hands and feet were not swollen and besides, I was only 23 weeks’ pregnant at that time – I thought it happened only in later pregnancy.

I feel lucky, which is why I want to raise awareness of preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome. I thought I knew a lot about pregnancy, but did not know the full story about preeclampsia and had never heard of HELLP syndrome. Pregnant women need to know more about the signs, symptoms and the dangers. The avoidable death of even one mother or one baby are one death too many.

I feel lucky which is why, no matter how difficult it sometimes feels, I try to make the most of every day.  I try to think that there must be a reason that these very rare, very devastating conditions happened to me, especially so early in pregnancy. It is why I focus on celebrating my son’s life, making sure he is remembered and helping other people in his name. It is Hugo’s legacy.

This sense of luck creates a complication for me psychologically. I have very dark days, when the black dog of depression haunts me. I feel intense guilt about my body’s failure to protect my baby, which are reflected in nightmares and bad dreams. I have terrifying days when the anxiety and panic attacks want to take me over. I am devastated at my bad luck that these illnesses happened to me, especially so severely and so early in my pregnancy. These are, I know,  ‘normal’ (if there can be such a thing) responses to grief and trauma. The trouble is after these bad days I then feel guilty that I have ‘wasted’ a day of my life which creates a vicious circle.

I have a sense that the complexity of my emotions have made it difficult for mental health professionals to establish quite what to do with me, and to give me the timely support I desperately need.

There needs to be better understanding of and improved access to perinatal mental health services for all women who have experienced a birth trauma, of whatever sort.

Me and Hugo enjoying a cuddle

Me and Hugo enjoying a cuddle

I am utterly heartbroken, and I always will be. There is nothing I would not give to have Hugo in my arms right now.

I know that that is not possible. What gets me through my worst days is reflecting on the things I have to feel lucky about.

Feeling lucky to be alive, lucky that my son had a chance at life and lucky to such an amazing son to feel so proud of.

Brilliant blog posts on HonestMum.com

21 Comments on Lucky

  1. lifeasourlittlefamily
    May 18, 2015 at 9:32 pm (3 years ago)

    You are one lucky and very special person. Despite Little Hugo being taken away from you, you were able to spend some precious moments with him which may not have been possible had you had your appointment on a different day. I always feel so emotional reading your posts. As a mummy who experienced premature birth, albeit not as early as you, as a mummy who was fortunate to have a safe arrival and growing boy by my side. I am forever sad for you and only hope that one day you are able to see him grow in another. Thank you for joining in #CountLuckyStars and I hope to see you again tomorrow x

    Reply
    • Leigh Kendall
      May 19, 2015 at 7:12 pm (3 years ago)

      Thank you for your kind comment, KA. You have to find the positives, no matter how hard it can be sometimes xxx

      Reply
  2. pottymouthedmummy
    April 22, 2015 at 10:31 am (3 years ago)

    I always feel so emotional reading your posts and this is no exception. First and foremost, thank you for linking up to #countluckystars. I love your attitude in focusing on so many good things that could have made the situation so much worse. I am so thankful you got those days with Hugo. And that you are still here. A beautiful post as ever xxx

    Reply
  3. SingleMotherAhoy
    September 6, 2014 at 8:43 am (3 years ago)

    Leigh, you are a shining light to all of us. Your attitude of feeling lucky rather than hard-done by (which would be entirely understandable considering the shitty hand life dealt you this year) is what will pull you through this. People have collapsed under far less strain than you have been under. Be kind to yourself xx

    Reply
    • Leigh Kendall
      September 6, 2014 at 11:18 am (3 years ago)

      How lucky I feel can kind of depend on the day but all things considered, I know the outcome could have been very different. That’s a terrifying thought. It also helps stop me just hiding under the duvet, tempting as that can feel sometimes. Thanks for your kind words xxx

      Reply
  4. Honest Mum
    July 9, 2014 at 9:37 pm (3 years ago)

    I’m so so sorry for your loss, Hugo was beautiful, thinking of you all x

    Reply
    • Leigh Kendall
      July 9, 2014 at 9:50 pm (3 years ago)

      Thank you. Hugo was a very special baby xxx

      Reply
  5. Mummy Says
    June 30, 2014 at 12:01 pm (3 years ago)

    Oh Leigh, every post I read of yours puts things in perspective for me. I am always left with my heart aching for you but feeling both you and Hugo are very lucky to have had each other xxxx

    Reply
    • Leigh Kendall
      June 30, 2014 at 12:08 pm (3 years ago)

      Thanks for your comment, Kiran. I’m very lucky to have Hugo as my baby – but there is nothing I wouldn’t give to have him back in my arms again xxx

      Reply
  6. Rebecca Wood
    June 29, 2014 at 10:59 am (3 years ago)

    I feel similar feelings. As rough as our journey has been, ultimately, I feel fortunate. I’m grateful for every minute I have gotten to spend with my baby. I’m lucky me and my baby survived. I remind myself that whenever I’m struggling during our journey. Great post!

    Reply
    • Leigh Kendall
      June 29, 2014 at 11:11 am (3 years ago)

      Thanks Rebecca. I think that reflecting on the things that we have to feel fortunate about can help get us through our darkest days xxx

      Reply
  7. bethbone
    June 29, 2014 at 7:16 am (3 years ago)

    Oh Leigh, this is so moving. There aren’t enough words to express my admiration of you. Truly inspirational. Lots of love xxx #hugoslegacy

    Reply
  8. meghanoc
    June 28, 2014 at 9:14 pm (3 years ago)

    Only in a world like ours can someone got through what you’ve gone through and find things to feel lucky about. a step in the “healing” process (forgive the quotes- will we ever be healed?) But truly, something profound you have wrote and amazing you are able to have this perspective. warm thoughts your way.

    Reply
    • Leigh Kendall
      June 28, 2014 at 10:16 pm (3 years ago)

      We will probably never be completely healed. However, finding things to feel lucky about can help stop us going completely mad, amongst intense heartbreak. Love xxx

      Reply
  9. stayathomemumof4
    June 28, 2014 at 6:52 pm (3 years ago)

    What an amazing woman you are! You write about what must have been a traumatic and heart breaking time in your life, with warmth and courage. I love the fact that you are strong enough to still feel lucky, even after all you have been through. Thank you for sharing and for being a real inspiration to others. Big hugs 🙂

    Reply
    • Leigh Kendall
      June 28, 2014 at 7:36 pm (3 years ago)

      Thanks for commenting. I feel it’s important to reflect on what I have to feel lucky about so I have a reason to get out of bed in the morning, and so I can celebrate my amazing son Hugo xx

      Reply
  10. @KatGrant30 (Bumps & Grind)
    June 28, 2014 at 4:13 pm (3 years ago)

    Another beautiful post Leigh. It’s incredible how you can look back at everything that happened and still see the positives. I’m so thankful that you made it out alive, and that you managed to spend that precious time with Hugo. Much love xx

    Reply

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